If you were gay
by Wind Alias
Summary: Singing, thongs, and Sasuke running for dear life. What else do you need in life? NaruSasu if you read the Omake. Language.


**Disclaimer:** 0mgeez I 0wnz d33mz a11z lolz. Of course I don't own Naruto; I have way better things to do with my life!

**Author's notes**: I found this laying around my computer, so I decided, what the heck, let's post it. So here it is. Nothing in this is intended to offend; it's all humor people. The song, "If you were Gay" is by Avenue Q. Now what're you reading this crap for? There's a tale down there to be had! Dedicated to CullenCovenGirl88. Because you need to step outside your Twilight boundaries, that's why.

**Author's notes again**: Okay. I lied. Sorry. This will probably be the last Naruto story I do. I'm starting to get sick of it. Now. Seriously. Read the story.

**XXXoXXX**

Sasuke sat on the stump with a pleased sigh. The sun was out, the weather nice, and he'd even managed to kick a puppy on his way over to Ground Seven; and, to top it all off-

" No teammates in sight," he sighed with a breath relief. " How could it get any better than-"

Unfortunately for him, Naruto chose that moment to stumble through the bushes into the clearing. Sasuke stared. Not because of the annoyance at the loss of his peace (which he was pretty ticked at), nor the utterly delirious look embedded onto the blonde's face.

Simply put, the blonde was in a thong.

And not the reasonably chaste ones, either. It was covered in bells and purple sequins and lime green glitter and _'lord, are those feathers?'_ all together in one gloriously clashing combination he was sure was a one way ticket to the seventh level of hell.

" Oh, Sasuke-teme!" Sasuke grimaced when the blonde finally caught sight of him. He grunted, which translated loosely to _'Oh, hello Naruto. How are you this fine morning?' _in Sasuke-speech. He grinned as he plopped down next to Sasuke on the stump, completely disregarding the fact that he was in said outrageous thong, and that their thighs were….touching. " You'll never guess, not in a million years, what happened to me on my way over here this morning!"

" Hn."

" This guy, he was _smiling_ at me, and _talking_ to me,"

"Hn."

"He was being really friendly, and, and, and I think he was coming on to me!" A frighteningly amused look entertained the blonde's features. "I think….well, he must've thought that I, was gay!"

At this point there were several things on Sasuke's mind, not the least being:

1) What. The. _Fuck._

2) Says the guy in a thong.

And, last, but certainly not least-

3) _And I care, why? And our thighs are touching. Again_.

But sadly, neither of these were things the young Uchiha heir could say. When you're in line to take over an extremely prodigious and respectable clan, public appearance was everything. Even though he really, really wanted to go ape-shit on Naruto. But he was an Uchiha, and he decided to settle for a far less controversial statement.

"Hn."

Naruto got the picture. " You don't need to get so defensive about it, Sasuke." he cooed. Sasuke swore that the blonde was somehow finding a way to get _closer_ to him, god forbid. He forced his eyes to stay above the waist line. This was a joke. It _had_ to be some sick, twisted way to get back at him, some demented revenge. Yesterday…he'd done nothing to the blonde, besides the usual barbed jokes and hooked wit. He didn't understand, and he wanted to get back to his book. So he made that clear.

" Hn. Hn hn hn hn, hn hn. _Hmmmmmmmnn._" And for extra emphasis to go along with the rather scathing and prudish comment- 'public figure' be damned - Sasuke waggled his otherwise forgotten reading material, _2,500 reasons why Axel is NOT dead,_ under the blonde's nose.

Naruto swatted the book to the ground and laughed; Sasuke winced. That was definitely a library fine. "I don't mean to be rude, or anything by it, or whatever, Sasuke. I'm jus' saying, as straight men," (a category Sasuke really thought didn't envelope Naruto at the moment, i.e. The thong) "We should be able to talk about anything." Than the blonde paused, sending the dark haired youth a skeptical look. "…you _are_ straight, right?" he ventured.

The Uchiha's eyebrow twitched. _'Says the guy covered in sequins, for goodness' sake,'_ Sasuke glared. He didn't want to talk to Naruto. Not now, when he finally found some time to read his book. Hell, he _never_ wanted to talk to Naruto, so why the blonde thought a sequined thong would make him warm up to him and just have him talking freely about homosexually was beyond him at the moment. Signaling their conversation was over, Sasuke grasped the book again, removed the bookmark, and trekked back into reading.

The blonde crossed his arms and huffed. "Well, okay, but just so we're clear…" and then, in the most raucous and ridiculous singing voice the Uchiha had ever had the misfortune to hear ( which was pretty bad, considering Itachi wasn't the most….talented singer in the world. Damn him), the blonde belted out:

"_If you were gay, that's be okay, I mean 'cause hey! I'd like you anyways!"_

Sasuke blanched; this was worse than nails on chalkboard.

"_Because if it was me, I would feel freeeeeeeee,"_ Oh god, he was making anecdotes now? "_ to say that I was gay. _But _I'm not gay._"

Sasuke stared. And stared and stared and stared until he was sure his retinas were thoroughly inebriated with the sight of the blonde menace. He slid off the stump and began walking away. Clearly the idiot was mentally ill, or on drugs, or both. Maybe Kakashi was right; all that bad milk the youth drank was going to his head. Whatever the case, he could play this game. He'd just have to get far enough away before ----

---- and Naruto was skipping next to him now. By this point in time Sasuke was entirely certain that somewhere Itachi was laughing his sick, twisted ass off. Damn him. All that skipping to and fro didn't seem to affect Naruto. Mentally, anyways. Sasuke's eyes drifted downwards for only a second only to shoot straight back up again. Lots of….dangly bits. Naruto must have noticed the exchange, because he set off into another stanza:

"_If you were queer,"_ he grated out. Sasuke's ears rang, and he was pretty sure he was tasting- _is that blood?_ - something in his mouth. "_ I'd still be hereeeee!" _Faster Sasuke, faster! _"Year after year, because you're dear to me( Even though you're a total douche_)!" his eye twitched, "_And I know that youuuuu, would accept me toooo--"_

To say that he was running would be an understatement. Sasuke was sprinting, no, _hauling ass_ to get out of there. But wherever he went the blonde was already there. He swore never to make fun of that cat on Peppy la Pew again.

" _If I told you to-day, "Hey! Guess what, I'm gay! _But I'm not gay!" the blonde broke off, giving Sasuke a moment of relief and immense gratitude. Thank god-

"_I'm hah-pee, just being with youuuuu…"_

- never mind. Obviously, Naruto no longer recalled last week's incident with the spork and three packets of lemon pepper. At that time, neither one of them wanted/could see the other one for two entire days, their injuries were so severe.

"_So what should it matter to me what you do,"_ Sasuke's eyes widened; he wasn't going there. He wasn't. He wouldn't!

"_In bed with guys!" _Oh, he did! Even though he was running for dear life--when had Naruto been able to outlast him?-- and even breathing was becoming difficult, he managed a response.

"Hn?!"

"_If you were gay, I'd shout, HURRAY!_"

Where the hell were Kakashi and Sakura at this point? He needed _backup_, damnnit!

"_And here I'd stay, but I wouldn't get in your way!" _he continued. _"You can count on meeee, to always beee, beside you everyday, to tell you 'It's okay!'"_ He couldn't help but think that a kunai to forehead would be the perfect solution for the problem.

"_You were just born that way, it's as they say; it's in your DNA, you're gay!"_

Ok, he'd tried to do the right thing. He'd tried to remain tactful, hence his silence. He'd tried to remove himself from the situation, hence the sweatiness and the sprinting. But _goddamnit_, there was only so much a boy could handle! Sasuke spun on his heel, nearly haymaking the blonde in the process.

"_But I'm not gay!"_ screeched the avenger. Naruto grinned and stepped into Sasuke's space. One bronzed finger poked Sasuke's porcelain nose.

"_If you were gay."_

------------------------------------------- Omake ----------------------------------------------

"_But I'm not gay!"_ screeched the avenger. Naruto grinned and stepped into Sasuke's space. One bronzed finger poked Sasuke's porcelain nose.

"_If you were gay."_

And kissed him.

The dark haired Uchiha was true to his word. He wasn't, in the slightest sense of the word, gay. Nevertheless, his tongue slid between two soft cracked lips. He felt Naruto jolt in surprise. Sasuke Uchiha wasn't gay.

_He was bi._

------------------------------------------ Omake Two ----------------------------------------------

Kakashi whistled from behind the bush. Beside him, Sakura growled as she fished in her pocket. "Pay up time," he laughed softly. Sakura snarled, but she slapped fifty bucks into Kakashi's open palm.

"I thought for sure he wouldn't wear the thong." she sniffed. "That was my allowance too, Kakashi! How could you take money from your sweet little student?"

He shrugged. What a bachelor's gotta do, a bachelor's gotta do…


End file.
